Instead of telling the cab driver my address, I decided to take a chance and said yours instead.
You open up as usual, and there’s always the lilt in your voice that I can’t stand, but I let it go anyway - I can let it go. I can’t stay long, I said, I have to wake up early tomorrow for work.
But the real question unraveled after I settled on your couch and attempted to light up. “Why are you here?” you asked quietly as you leaned by the door.
The cigarette hung limply between my lips and the flame from my lighter burned as long as time stood still. This was a trick question. I took my cigarette out of my mouth and turned around to face you. “Because you’re lonely without me and vice versa.” It’s true. It’s true. I ask you to take out my whiskey and your tequila and we can don’t have to be lonely people anymore.
“Yes. I started at A’s place already.” I laughed
“She sounds like a good person.”
“She’s my best person.” And we ended the conversation.
In the end, hands claw away and tear apart at certain walls that serve little purpose, and grab and clutch in a bid to hang in there for just a bit more. In the end we played games all night and rediscovered new places, touched new things and wrote new stories: the scar on the inside of my wrists, the tiny one under your jaw, the faint one just above your lip, the dark mark on your shoulders, the mess on my thighs, the deeper grooves of your back. I said, I need to go home soon, and all I heard was a muffled no, you don’t have to, you should allow yourself to be happy somewhere.
And not unexpectedly, I woke up past schedule a few hours later. In the shower, I really thought about what you said, and it turns out that being happy is not a major priority for me right now. It is funny how you try and life turns and turns and turns around; but you find out that you actually treat yourself a specific way because you never really recovered or got better from the old sins that you think you’ve reconciled with. And as before, it only takes a strange whisper from the night, or the echoes from the bathroom to overwhelm logic.