The thing about oversleeping is the gamble on the train I have to take - which side to sit on so the sun doesn’t shine from behind me. It has to be a quick one because too much dallying would result in me standing - a choice far more regrettable than the sun burning up on my neck.

Today I made a wrong choice. I sat where the sun would burn up my neck, where the screens of my devices would be black no matter how much I turned up the brightness, where I develop a headache, where a heartache festers.

We met during a really warm and sticky season. And I think that’s all I’m going to remember for a while.

The reason why I overslept in the first place was because I decided that life could perhaps be on the pause today. It couldn’t. And I spent a long time under the sheets thinking about ways to write out an existence but I couldn’t find one I liked enough.

My hair has been a mess — a dry, unattractive mop of blonde. But unlike other people, you seem to keep your comments to yourself. I know you’re amused and slightly perturbed by the state of it, but at least you’re not dramatic about it.

That night, in between whiskey and a a lot of smokes, you put your head on my shoulder and you said, “Finally the strands can touch my face.” I laughed because you’d been whining about that for a while. And it really has been a long time since I could tie up my hair, or have someone tug at it. Your hand reached up to touch my hair on the other side of my face and I asked, “How many heads of dried hair have you touched?” You said, “Only one head who deliberately does this to her own hair.” Then you kissed my neck and ran your fingers through my hair. Black, red, brown, blonde, short or long — you were there at all stages. Just that some fingers felt more ghostly than the others.  

I tell people that I don’t drink anymore, but the fact is I still do, especially when I’m with you, or when I’m thinking about you. Which is most of the time. And it’s also cheaper to drink at home — because my feelings are cheap anyway.

There was one warm night where I lay sprawled on your floor smoking and drinking. It was so warm that it got too troublesome sitting on the couch. And when you laid beside me, I remember telling you about the adventures of a boy. I said, “it’s nearly been a year we met.” And you said, “and yet, here you are.” But that’s because I have no where to be and I haven’t built a home, I frowned.

"You finish work at 10 and come home at 1130. How’s anyone going to meet you?"

"You would try if you really wanted to, right?"

"That is true. I try all the time. That’s why you’re here."

I wanted to pack up and leave, but the humidity of the night and the slow heat melted me into your floors. My hair smells like smoke, but you’re the only one still willing to put your face into my hair to smell it. “Smells like home,” you mumble. I hate summertime most of the time, because that’s the time my relationships spontaneously combust due to the heat. But slow nights like this, coupled with the sheer comfort in knowing that someone wanted me, made me stay to see what happens.

(Source: englishsnow, via instantpug)

3intheam:

Emily Blunt, Zhou Xun, Cate Blanchett. For IWC

3intheam:

Emily Blunt, Zhou Xun, Cate Blanchett. For IWC

andrei-tarkovsky:

Offret, Andrei Tarkovski, 1986

(via gilbertnorrell)

Sometimes I get really confused about reality. And when it gets too hot and my eyes cannot re-focus back quickly enough, I am convinced about another life. Sometimes, I turn my head in another angle and at the right time, the sun rays bounce off a car hood and into my eyes. And I am so sure someone is fucking with me on purpose.

There are days like today where I wish I were ten years younger, or ten years older. And I’m sure that when I’m in my mid-thirties, I would say the same thing. But today, I thought about it so hard with my eyes squeezed shut that I started to panic and cry.

balsambreath:

I thought of texting you
"good morning, I can’t sleep"
and then I remembered
that you are on a journey
which I am not a part of
and that’s okay
but
good morning
I can’t sleep

(Source: catelyn-stark)

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