May 2013
12 posts
“Women are afraid of meeting a serial killer. Men are afraid of meeting someone...”
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When Strangers Click, a 2011 documentary about online dating.
It reminds me of that famous Margaret Atwood quote: “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.” It also reminds me of something written by one of the mods of Sex Worker Problems: “Misandry...
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It seems like of all the boys I talk about, you’re the only one that I still speak of fondly and without shame.
Do other boys exist in this world if their names never come out of my mouth?
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We were watching movies in the wee hours of the morning - movies that I’ve watched before, movies that aren’t that good, movies that you can continue to play while you do other things. I slung my legs over your lap and leaned my head against your shoulders, but you ask, “Why do you do this to yourself?” I realise that you’re grabbing my fingers to stop me from peeling...
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“Theory is taught so as to make the student believe that he or she can become a...”
– Culture and Imperialism, Edward Said (via isirsaidwhat)
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Life is such that when I wake up and prepare to head to work and look at my body in the mirror, all I can see and hear are the faces and voice of the boys (and girls) who tell me that if I lost a couple of kilos I would look better. Sometimes I’m not sure what I’m looking at.
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You texted me last night. “Back earlier than usual. Show me your burns.” Fridays are always lonely. Yet somehow you show up magically. And sometimes I think this arrangement works best.
When I flop into your couch with beers and I said, “There’s going to be such a huge scar. It’s going to be awful.”
You laugh and said “Show me. I have experience with...
April 2013
17 posts
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It was the usual blurrings of a Saturday night and Sunday morning when I stumbled into your place. It had been a long day, my fingers were burnt and I had been drinking a lot just to get my mind off the pain. These days the weekends are now a display of obligation and the nights with you are my only choice. Whether I went or not, it was always a choice.
It’s close to four and I remember...
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I spotted you walking home, six floors down and across the parapet. You were so infinitely small just then. If I held up my thumb and focused hard with the one eye I kept open, I could wipe you away – just like that. But how is it that such a physically small being still does funny big things to my heart?
You stood next to me and said, him again. I said, yes, yes, him again, him always maybe...
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There was a night you kissed right under my eyes and said “They aren’t as bright as usual. It’s cloudy, it’s yellow. You been drinking again.”
Because it was a statement and not a question, I pushed you away and said, “Don’t pretend like you do none of that at work.” And you said “Yes, yes. But my eyes are still bright.”
That night, you...
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The winds shifted and suddenly, April is characterised by warm rooms, hot winds and sticky bodies that are too sodden to move. Let’s go for a drive, you say.
And so Monday morning was spent awake like there was no work on Tuesday, like we were teenagers with no responsibilities - just a lot of time and boredom. We drove by the expressway and stopped by the gates near the airport. I was...
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ON SEEING THE 100% PERFECT GIRL ONE BEAUTIFUL...
youmightfindyourself:
by Haruki Murakami
One beautiful April morning, on a narrow side street in Tokyo’s fashionable Harujuku neighborhood, I walked past the 100% perfect girl. Tell you the truth, she’s not that good-looking. She doesn’t stand out in any way. Her clothes are nothing special. The back of her hair is still bent out of shape from sleep. She isn’t young, either - must be near...
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March 2013
11 posts
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Just today you asked me if I was sick because I didn’t sound like myself and I was clearing my throat far too often. I just laughed and said, no, it’s just that I’ve been drinking and smoking a lot more the past two weeks. In fact, I’m pretty sure I drank more alcohol than water. Which is pretty disgusting.
You just said, it’s good to see you again - I don’t...
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I left the office at one in the morning and I was so goddamn tired and awake at the same time. My eyes needed to close and my back needed a rest, but my brain just could not stay still. I’m thinking about Friday, what needs to be done and what I have to say. I’m thinking about the week after, the amount of work that needs to be cleared and the high tension from closing the magazine.
By two, I...
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Just tonight, I was squeezed into the backseat of a car and sitting next to bodies; and they were both very warm and I realised just how much I miss having someone just sitting very closely next to me.
Just tonight, I found out how fun it was to get to know new people in a small intimate setting when someone else is doing up all the digging and you’re just sitting there listening. All of a...
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This morning I had a dream so wonderful that I forgot to woke up. I forgot to wake up and I slept through ten thousand alarms that I set for myself. And in that dream, it was so wonderful I thought it was real. When my mom barged into my room asking if I wasn’t going to go to work, I got startled awake and immediately I realised that I was alone back in my bed. For a while, I really wanted to cry....
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February 2013
27 posts
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I’m not sure what is it - but these days I get into episodes of massive jealousy and rage from the littlest things. Turns out, I just have the incapability to want to love or like someone when I know that they can have someone else better. I’m also gripped by large, gargantuan moments of insecurity that’s so ugly - and I obsessively try to hide that cos ew who wants to see and...
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“真正的我, 是一个对恋爱失去信心的笨蛋. 一个害怕失去而不敢付出的傻瓜. […] 我毒舌, 是为了保护我自己. 我嚣张, 是害怕别人看不起我. 我自大,...”
– 夏和杰在电影院对馬小茜的告白 (via morningbreaks)
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The summer of 2012 had been the start of my horribly lucid yet faint dreams of boys, sweat, cigarettes, car rides and loose limbs and even looser lips that never know when to shut the hell up. Living lives, or variations of lives is interesting – after all, who’s life isn’t a story?
And with all the lives I’ve tried to live out in different time zones and alternate realities, I tell myself, you...
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Instead of telling the cab driver my address, I decided to take a chance and said yours instead.
You open up as usual, and there’s always the lilt in your voice that I can’t stand, but I let it go anyway - I can let it go. I can’t stay long, I said, I have to wake up early tomorrow for work.
But the real question unraveled after I settled on your couch and attempted to light...
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For the nth time, it’s been a sleepless, fitful night. I go to bed anxious, and I wake up panicking. My legs feel like lead but my brain is screaming at itself to please please let me not hear anything but it’s also pushing me forward and sometimes I cannot feel the tips of my fingers that try to type type type and work to get words out on a page so that a coherent story forms. I drink...
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I wanted to write that I’m actually very very afraid of the decisions that I make and the deliberate mistakes that I commit. But I’m also afraid of a future where I look back and think to myself, you could have done more. So I’m not sure if I’m crippled by the future, or if I’m shackled to the present. I’m young and I’m free but I’m also not sure of...
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